Top Ten Math Puns

These two words seem incongruous: Math and Humor.  Maybe my math teachers thought my answers were funny sometimes, but as a student math AND humor? Last night after Bible Class, Teresa Kitchens (a member at Parrish and a Math Teacher at Walker High School) knowing my warped sense of humor shared a list of 31 math puns.  What follows are my favorite ten of the list:

10. How do you know a plant belongs to a math teacher? - It has square roots.
9. Why do math books cry? - They have lots of problems.
8. When do mathematicians die? - When their number is up.
7. What is the longest piece of furniture? - The multiplication table.
6. What is a metric cookie? - A Gram cracker.
5. Why do math teachers talk to themselves? - They think the students are listening.
4. Two's company, three's a crowd, what are four and five? - Nine.
3. What did the math major mean when she called her blind date 288?  He's 2 gross.
2. What is a polygon? - A lost parrot.

And the number one math pun for the day . . .
1. What is an occupied bathroom on an airplane? a hypotenuse (high - pot - in - use).

Scott.

OK, here is one more just for today since you can't get enough math humor - How do you know God loves math? - He told Adam and Eve to multiply, the fourth book in the Bible is called Numbers, and his followers put "+" signs on His churches.

Bank Loans

Enjoy this story of a Bank Loan for a Trip to Europe:


A man from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from the University of Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

His name was BUBBA.

I Love Children!

Last night, Amy and I made a quick run to the local dollar store so she could pick up a few things for school.  As we were at the cash register, a young mother and her preschool age daughter walked in.  As Mom selected a shopping cart this precocious four year old asked,"Can I push the buggy, Momma?"  

"Yes, but stay with me." The mom replied.

"O.K., because I am pushing I pick out the stuff!"

I stifled I laugh!  This little preschooler had figured it out.  The one who controls the cart is the shopper and gets what she wants!

How often do we try to manipulate co-workers, spouses, friends, etc to get what we want?  Is that fair?

Scott

Top Ten Reasons I Love Being a Preacher

From my study in Parrish, Alabama comes this morning's top ten.  Top Ten Reasons, I Love Being A Preacher:

10. I get to talk during worship.
9. I am blessed to have extra time to study God's word.
8. I don't sleep through the sermon.
7. I serve the GREATEST PEOPLE on Earth -- God's people!
6. Although the pay hasn't always been great, God's Retirement plan is wonderful.
5. People invite me to be part of their celebrations (weddings, anniversaries, etc.)
4. Fellowship Meals!  Christian ladies (and some of us men) can really cook!
3. The privilege to help people in times of physical, fiscal, and spiritual needs.
2. My family shares in my ministry.
and reason I most love to preach . . . .
1. There is no greater message to proclaim! (Rom 1:16).

Rejoice in the Lord always, I repeat REJOICE!

Scott

Excuses, Excuses, You Hear Them Every Day

The title is a line from an old song, I think the Kingsmen did the original version. There is truth in those lyrics, people supply excuses for many missed opportunities and appointments. Here are a few favorites (typos are in the originals):

1. Please excuse Johnny for being, it was his father's fault.
2. Kimmy is under Doctor's orders not to do p.e., please execute her.
3. I was late to work because my cat unplugged my alarm clock.
4. I was late because I could not find my shoes.
5. I cannot come in to work today, my garage door is broken.
6. I was late because my wife is expecting and I was experiencing morning sickness.
7. I will not be in today, my cat has hairballs.
8. Please excuse Jenna's absence, she was sick and I had her shot.
9. I had to take my dog to her psychiatric appointment.
10. I borrowed a friend's car to get to work.  The car was reported stolen and apparently used in a robbery.  I was in jail for possession of stolen property.  The police were interrogating me, which kept me from calling in to work.  I was eventually able to convince the officers of my innocence, so they let me go and I got here as fast as I could.

I need to tell you that a secretary called the local police about that last one and found it to be completely fabricated.

Excuses are not the sole property of students and employees.  If we are honest with ourselves we are guilty of excuse making.  The compiler of Proverbs records an ancient excuse for laziness, "There's a lion in the road, there's a lion in the street" (Prov 26:13).

In the arena of the Christian experience, one finds people making excuses for: 1) not obey the Gospel, 2) refusing to give up a sinful practice, or 3) getting involved in the Lord's great work.  Our lame excuses will not hold up.  I can hear them now, "God, I would have done . . . ., but you see there was this . . . ."  I just do not see that standing in God's court of law.  What about you?

Maybe, just maybe, instead of excusing why we cannot, let's rationalize why we should and can serve God (Rom 5:8; Phil 4:13).

The next phrase of the Kingsmen's song reminds us about excuses, "The devil, he'll supply them if from church you stay away . . ." Here is a video of the Kingsmen Heirs.

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Have a great day! -- No Excuses!
Scott

Happy Christmas!

Rudy was well known and respected in his small town.  Even those that had not met him, knew him on sight because of his flaming red hair (everyone in town called him "The Red").  One morning in late December, Rudy and his wife discussed the weather over breakfast.  "The forecast is for snow this Christmas," she said.
"Nope," replied Rudy, "the air is too warm."
The banter continued until a clap of thunder made them both look outside.  "You were right," Rudy's wife proclaimed.
His only comment was "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

Merry Christmas!
Scott

Top Ten Gifts for Men

After reading Trey Morgans list of Bad Christmas gifts for Men, I felt inspired to write a list of good gift ideas for men. Here is my Top Ten Best Gifts for Real Men:

10. Hand Tools: Hammers, screwdrivers, pliers, anything that he can use with his hands. Even if your man is not the handy-man type; simply buying him these gifts will boost his manly ego and may even spark that handy-man gene.

9. A Tool Belt: What good are tools if you do not have a belt to display them in? Make sure it is of high quality material -- preferably leather (brushed or rough). A lightweight canvas apron is NOT a tool belt.

8. A Gift Card to a Hardware / Tool Store: He knows what he needs, let him get some therapy buy walking in a MAN-store make a selection and walk out.

7. Recreational Supplies: These vary from man to man. If he likes to fish, fishing gear is a great gift (a boat is even better). If your man is a hunter, you cannot go wrong with camouflage. If your guy is a spectator, buy clothing for his favorite team (Roll Tide Roll!).

6. A Gift Card to Bass Pro Shop or a similar outlet: This way he can get the gear he really needs that he does not already have.

5. A Year's Supply of Beef Jerky; Nothing says "I'm a Man!" like tearing hard dried beef with your teeth.

4. A Year's Supply of Sunflower Seeds: Manly seeds must be in the shell. Not only are sunflower seeds healthy, they give a man the opportunity to partake in a manly past-time: spitting. There is something reassuring to manhood when we expectorate the shells of sunflower seeds.

3. A Good Bible or Bible Study Guide: Real men need to be like the ultimate real man, Jesus. To be like Him, we must get to know Him through His word.

2. A Loving Home: Show your husband (father, son) that you truly love him. They may not be outwardly affectionate, but men do want to be loved and to show love.

1. Friendship: God looked down on Adam knew that man needed a companion like him. Men are social creatures and need friends. Wive, be your husband's best friend. And Husbands; be your wife's best friend.

My two cents worth,

Scott

Stress Relief

To relieve your daily stress, follow these guidelines:

1. Place this chart on a flat surface, such as a wall or solid desk.
2. Place left hand on flat surface to the left of the chart.
3. Place right hand on flat surface to the right of the chart.
4. Follow the instructions in the circle.

Weekend Reading

Here a few Blogs and Articles I found interesting this week. You might want to read them over the weekend. Enjoy and keep reading.

• Trey Morgan writes about Griping and Complaining. His mom and mine must have learned from the same book.

• John Brown (seriously) reminds us to Taking it Seriously. Many of us may use humor too frequently, but maturity teaches us that there is a time to laugh and a time to be serious.

• Tucker invites all to a View from the Casino. He is not saying what you think he is.

• Chris Brady ponders about Twitter Worship . The title alone was enough to grab my attention.

What good things have you read this week?